Mortified, Section 16, Area 21, Incident # 1098

Maybe no one will notice the changes...

Maybe no one will notice the changes…

For those of you who have been keeping up with my Mortified blog subcategory, you undoubtedly remember my post from last March where I confessed my mortification after having my primary care physician appear as one of my 8 daily date choices.
As you remember, before I recognized his picture, I made flirty flirty email conversation with him about how cute he is and possibility what my interests might be in the bedroom with him…the whole 9 yards.  It was devastating.  Or at least I thought.  Because, like with most things in my life, there was another shoe  to drop

"So, Bax, how's it hangin?"

“So, Bax, how’s it hangin?”

I’ve been feeling really tired lately, and the this past week I had a bunch of labs done — finding that I have the testosterone level of a 12-year-old girl.

On the one hand, I’m beyond excited that the poor health feelings I’ve been dealing with could have a cure as simple as a shot every other week, but I had to have “the talk” with my doctor.  You know…the talk where you go over the “possible symptoms of low testosterone” checklist…the checklist that has, among other things, “how are you functioning in the bedroom?” — only not in such flowery terms.  The checklist uses terms like erection, stiffness, stamina, girth.  The one that includes a PHYSICAL EXAM.

Shoot. Me. In. The. Head.

Basically, I got to sit naked for 45 minutes and detail to the most gorgeous doctor in the universe that I am slowly melting into a pile of osteoporosis remnants and a soup of vaginal fluid.

G-d help me.

I have a crush…on a GIRL…and it scares me!

There is this commercial that I find myself watching…then rewinding and watching again.  That’s pretty unusual in itself, but the really weird thing is that I think it is because I have a crush on the model…and she’s a SHE!

Her name is Magali, and she reminds me a lot of Teri Hatcher from her Lois & Clark days.  Now that I think about it, I may have had my first girl crush on Teri.  This is such a weird thing for me, an adult “out” gay man, to experience a crush on…girls.  I feel like I’m coming out…again.

Teri from the Lois & Clark days.

Teri from the Lois & Clark days.

First, to be clear, I DO NOT want to have sex with Magali or Teri or any other woman for that matter.  I just want to be near them and have them like me.  I have an overwhelming urge to be their best friend, to be exclusively invited over to watch CW television shows with them, and to be seen out and about town with them.  I want to bask in the bright light that is they.

I first talked about this topic with my good friend DM 1 a couple of years ago.  To my great surprise and joy, he knew exactly what I was talking about.  He himself has his own list of what he called his “gay wives” — women with whom he was obsessed in every way EXCEPT sexually.  Women he would gladly marry just to be around them.  His focus at the time was Julianne Moore, and he was having mirror image feelings for her as I was having for Magali.

Julianne Moore, Our Mutual Celebrity Girl Crush

Julianne Moore, Our Mutual Celebrity Girl Crush

I can understand his thing for Julianne.  I first became aware of her when I saw her in Boogie Nights.  There was a motherly quality to her that really turned me on.  Now, again, when I say “turned me on”, I do NOT mean sexually.  I mean that I was drawn to her and wanted to be her best friend.

So, how odd is all of this?  Whereas straight men are drawn to these beauties by libido, we gay guys are sucked in by something else…or is it really something else?  I have to wonder.  It is notable that I have never had a girl crush on an ugly girl, nor have I ever had one on an “attainable” girl.  It’s also notable that, except for Julianne, all of my girl crushes have been on a group of girls who look so similar that they could all be sisters.  Maybe the wiring of the gay brain causes us to perceive strong female sexual energy as…well…bright, warm light…such as what draws in a moth.  And my brain moth definitely has a “type”…black hair and gorgeous eyes…thin… beautiful.

My most recent crush, Courtney Cox

My most recent crush, Courtney Cox

I know that there is a “diva syndrome” that affects many gay men — making them fiends for Madonna and Lady Gaga.  This is different, though.  At least I think it is.  I know that glamour is a big aspect of it all for them.  That has nothing to do with my obsession with Courtney Cox, though.  Her TV show, Cougar Town, is anything but glam.  It’s really just about people sitting around and talking with her — which is exactly what I want to do!

Now, I know that I said my first girl crush was on Teri.  To be fair, that really isn’t true.  When I was in 2nd grade at Ashland City Elementary School, there was a pretty little girl who sat across from me at my table.  She had dark hair, lovely eyes, and was ALWAYS dressed in a smart little outfit.  I desperately wanted to be her friend, but I thought of her as unattainable Darla from The Little Rascals while I was stuck as the inferior Alfalfa.  Of course, at that age, I had no idea that girls and boys could even be friends or how they would go about it — much less how one was supposed to overcome feelings of insecurity and class.  So what did I do?  I cornered her on the playground, and I kissed her!  I think she slapped me.  I can’t quite remember.  What I DO remember, however, is her mother coming to school, sitting me down, and asking me to please never kiss her daughter again.  I was terrified!  I was mortified!  I think I might have even cried.

Regardless, the pretty girl and I shared classes for many years, all the way up to high school graduation.  I stopped trying to kiss her, and she stopped slapping me, and our friendship turned out to be one of the few relationships that I have maintained my whole life (though we live very far apart).  Her mother has also been very nice to me — ever since I stopped trying to kiss her.  I like to joke with her that our scary altercation is, in fact, what turned me gay!

My first girl crush (left), and Teri Hatcher at the same age (right).

My first girl crush (left), and Teri Hatcher at the same age (right).

The more I think about it, the more I am certain that my little Darla was the start of my Alfalfa-esque girl crushes, and this is something I’ve experienced all of my life since then.  Just comparing her high school photo with Teri Hatcher’s above, you can tell my gay brain has a specific type…and it likely was imprinted by that smartly dressed little girl…way back in 2nd grade.




  1. DM has not given me permission to refer to him by name in my blog, but close friends will know of whom I speak!

Get Infinitely Better Picture by Installing LED Backlighting

I finally finished a project I’ve had on my list for ages — installing wall-facing LED backlighting behind my TV in the living room. It’s a 65″ screen, and it can really cause major eye strain when you’re watching a movie in a darkened room.  Experts agree that having ambient lighting in the room prevents your eyes from getting fatigued from the high-contrast nature of TV viewing.  The problem with new LED TVs, though, is that they tend to reflect ambient light in the room — spoiling the quality of the picture. Major high-end TVs actually come with rear-facing lighting that adjusts in color and brightness to provide the optimal viewing experience. But these are TVs that usually cost as much as a car.

Luckily, I found the time and energy tonight to whip out the soldering iron and some spare parts from the garage, and I lined my TV’s rear perimeter with color configurable RGB LEDs so that I can enjoy the enhanced picture quality of backlighting without the enhanced price tag.

My TV lined with RGB LEDs facing backward.

My TV lined with RGB LEDs facing backward.

If you’re interested in doing the same, the materials cost about $30 for a 50-75″ TV, and it takes about 30 minutes from start to finish. I’d be happy to give you instructions!

The finished product; ambient light behind the TV so there is no eye strain AND no glare!

The finished product; ambient light behind the TV so there is no eye strain AND no glare! (Click to see full size image)